It isn't often that I feel like a grown up. Even in the recent things that I have done that traditionally are "adult" things to do, I never felt like an "adult". There was no switch that went off that said, "I bought a car" or "I bought a condo" therefore "I am an adult now". It didn't feel like that. I just felt like me, but doing these so called "grown up" things.
But today I did something and all of a sudden I thought, I'm different now. I've changed now, and I feel like more of an adult because of it. I was sitting at my computer at work and decided, "I'm going to do this now, instead of this". And I did it. And it worked.
I won't get into gory details out of respect for other parties involved, but I am in a situation with a person who I was previously a close friend of, and as a result of disagreements or misunderstandings or whatever you would like to call them, we are no longer friends, and probably will never be again, and are in an unfortunate situation which involved living arrangements, and me moving out.
A lot of words have flown back and forth, and wherever I think I am in the right, she also thinks she is in the right. It is clear that there will be no peaceful resolve to this. In the past I would have dwelled on this, and slung petty comments, and basically told the entire world my side of the story desperate for people to take my side. It is was both parties have been doing for months. But this morning, I let it all go. It sounded like a woosh. I actually heard it. No need to get upset, no need for emotional conversations. No need to dwell on what was done and what was said.
I almost feel like I am taking a step backwards writing about it, as if it negates the whole concept that I am not going to rest on the subject or let it affect me. But I think for my own affirmation and accountability for the future, and for the fact that I have contributed nothing to this blog for months, which is probably not of any consequence to anyone since no one reads this, but for myself, I need to write it.
What is the point of me harbouring all of this hate and anger and resentment? It gets no one nowhere. She is obviously very angry with me, and my initial reaction is to be angry back. To list things she has done wrong and defend my every action. There's no need. I don't need to carry all of that inside me, I need to logically deal with what's in front of me, attelpt to mutually agree what the next steps will be, and take it day by day. Soon this will be all over, and an even bigger weight will be lifted off my shoulders. Why complicate it with hate and venom and drama? I refuse. It is what it is, I can't go back, and I have to remember all of the wonderful things happening in my life right now instead of letting this whole situation consume me. No excuses, no scenes, just calm.
I have only ever had one other falling out with someone in my life. I regret to say that this is the second. But when I think about it, I'm not even sad to lose this person in my life. That doesn't boast much for what the friendship meant. In 6 months, a year, 5 years, 10 years, this won't even be a passing thought. This situation has no value, no meaning, no nothing. So why let it upset me? Why let other people control how I feel and how I react? They can't. Only I can control that, even if I'm not in control of the situation, I control myself.
It is my everest, and today I made it over the first plateau, and am ready to keep climbing.
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