Calm

It isn't often that I feel like a grown up. Even in the recent things that I have done that traditionally are "adult" things to do, I never felt like an "adult". There was no switch that went off that said, "I bought a car" or "I bought a condo" therefore "I am an adult now". It didn't feel like that. I just felt like me, but doing these so called "grown up" things.

But today I did something and all of a sudden I thought, I'm different now. I've changed now, and I feel like more of an adult because of it. I was sitting at my computer at work and decided, "I'm going to do this now, instead of this". And I did it. And it worked.

I won't get into gory details out of respect for other parties involved, but I am in a situation with a person who I was previously a close friend of, and as a result of disagreements or misunderstandings or whatever you would like to call them, we are no longer friends, and probably will never be again, and are in an unfortunate situation which involved living arrangements, and me moving out.

A lot of words have flown back and forth, and wherever I think I am in the right, she also thinks she is in the right. It is clear that there will be no peaceful resolve to this. In the past I would have dwelled on this, and slung petty comments, and basically told the entire world my side of the story desperate for people to take my side. It is was both parties have been doing for months. But this morning, I let it all go. It sounded like a woosh. I actually heard it. No need to get upset, no need for emotional conversations. No need to dwell on what was done and what was said.

I almost feel like I am taking a step backwards writing about it, as if it negates the whole concept that I am not going to rest on the subject or let it affect me. But I think for my own affirmation and accountability for the future, and for the fact that I have contributed nothing to this blog for months, which is probably not of any consequence to anyone since no one reads this, but for myself, I need to write it.

What is the point of me harbouring all of this hate and anger and resentment? It gets no one nowhere. She is obviously very angry with me, and my initial reaction is to be angry back. To list things she has done wrong and defend my every action. There's no need. I don't need to carry all of that inside me, I need to logically deal with what's in front of me, attelpt to mutually agree what the next steps will be, and take it day by day. Soon this will be all over, and an even bigger weight will be lifted off my shoulders. Why complicate it with hate and venom and drama? I refuse. It is what it is, I can't go back, and I have to remember all of the wonderful things happening in my life right now instead of letting this whole situation consume me. No excuses, no scenes, just calm.

I have only ever had one other falling out with someone in my life. I regret to say that this is the second. But when I think about it, I'm not even sad to lose this person in my life. That doesn't boast much for what the friendship meant. In 6 months, a year, 5 years, 10 years, this won't even be a passing thought. This situation has no value, no meaning, no nothing. So why let it upset me? Why let other people control how I feel and how I react? They can't. Only I can control that, even if I'm not in control of the situation, I control myself.

It is my everest, and today I made it over the first plateau, and am ready to keep climbing.

Jelly & Keegs

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=172301676&ref=profile#/video/video.php?v=511317110974&subj=172301676

This is just video of Jess and I from a few summers ago... felt like throwing it up on the blog.

I don't know if anyone will be able to get to this without adding me to facebook, but it's one of my favourite things to watch. I hope everyone else has as much fun with their best friends...

Why me?

My best friend and I play this game where we list off things that we're thankful for, that we normally wouldn't think about on a day to day basis. Like, "I'm thankful I didn't lose a leg in a boating accident", or "I'm thankful my sister wasn't born with a rare blood disease", or even simply, "I'm thankful for that ham sandwich yesterday".

In the past it would never have occured to me that under different circumstances, yes I could have lost a leg or been born with a disease. Some people don't get to live in the conventional world of having 4 limbs and healthy babies. Some people don't even get ham sandwiches. The game started out as a way to try and one up each other, who could think of the most outrageous, unconventional thing to be thankful for. Now though, when we hang up the phone or click the little red "x" box and end our game, I am left thinking about how damn lucky I am. My problems seem small and petty. So when I ask, "why me?" it's not in the context of "why are these terrible things happening to me?", it's, "why was I chosen to have all these wonderful things in my life?".

Why do I get to know who both of my parents are and have them live together in a warm, safe house? Why do I get to go to school and have opportunities to work and play and say whatever I want to say? Why do I get to have friends who love me for who I am? Why do I get to walk to the fridge and have what I want, when I want? Such simple things that are overlooked. Why me? Why do people all over the planet have to live in a world of poverty and hunger and disease and oppression, and I get everything they don't? Why me?

So next time something in your life goes wrong, and you start to think, "why me?", do a 180, and really think... "why me?"

I am thankful I can read and write.
I am thankful I can walk down my street at night and feel safe.
I am thankful I can tell my mom and dad when I need their help and I know they will be there for me.
I am thankful I don't spend hours of my life in hospitals.
I am thankful I can breathe easy.
I am thankful I got to take 2 stained glass art classes.
I am thankful I can express what I'm feeling in my own way.
I am thankful someone might read this.

Further Proof of my Genius

Oh yeah, it's the 'got candy?' jack-o-lantern alongside the 'puking up candy' jack-o-latern... admit it, you wish you'd done it first.

Cynical, Judgemental, Single and Barren at twenty-two

Last night I had a nightmare that I got engaged. Not a dream, a nightmare. I walked into a room filled with family members and I was wearing my grandmother's ring on my left hand. I knew it meant I was engaged, that ring has been intended for me for years. I knew my family thought it was a terrible idea from their expressions. I knew I felt sick to my stomach. I felt embarassed to be engaged at only 22, and I just kept trying to explain to my cousins and aunts and uncles that he proposed in public and I felt like I couldn't say no. I don't know who my fiance was, I don't know the circumstances of the relationship, but I do know, the last thing in the world I wanted, was to be engaged- and I was.

This threw me a litte.

I have always known what I want in my life. Very clearly. I know that I have a detailed 5 year career plan very plainly laid out and I am already working very hard to make it a reality. My priority has always been my career and where I want to put myself in life as an independent and successful woman.

I know that I will always put a relationship second until I have accomplished those goals. I am not one of those girls who cries wishing they had a boyfriend, longing for the fairytale of a handsome man to rescue me. I don't need to be rescued from anything, and even if I did I wouldn't need a man to help me do it. If I eventually find someone who loves me enough to put up with my bullshit for the rest of their life than that's just fine by me.

If people want to get married when they're young, they have that right. Personally, I think I would be devestated. My twenties are for me and I will take every opportunity to experience new things and achieve my goals and no relationship is going to hinder that. No apologies, that is just how I feel. Maybe some girls can have it all- the career, the relationship, the drive, but I can't. I know myself and I know I can only focus on one thing right now, and I'm okay with that. This is not to say that if someone came along who I felt I had a connection with I would avoid a relationship. I'm just saying that they would have to understand that I have a very clear plan for myself and they may not fit into it the way they want to.

Though I can't help but have some troubling thoughts lingering at the back of my mind... have I gotten myself so into the mindset of career-first, relationship-later that I am blinding myself to opportunities in my personal life? I woke up in cold sweats after an imaginary engagement... what if I never pull myself out of my career-first, relationship-later way of living I have decided to have in my twenties? Lately I feel as though I have been thrust back into the fifties. I keep hearing about girls I know who are my age getting married, having babies and playing house. I'm sorry if this is socially unacceptable to say but if I were married with kids right now I would wake up and vomit every morning.

Not to say that eventually I would not love to have all those things, a domestic life so to speak, but I feel like in this day and age we as females are given opportunities we should be taking advantage of to move ourselves ahead even more into equality. But where do I stop living for myself and living for someone else? For someone who thinks she doesn't want a relationship I spend an awful lot of time thinking about them- about how I don't need one- but thinking about them nonetheless.

What I don't understand is what would possess a woman to give up her twenties, a time of freedom and expression and independence, to be tied down to somebody? To give so much of herself to a relationship when she could be seeing so many amazing things? Maybe there is more of a balance than I think. Maybe I am cynical. Maybe, just maybe, I have become so focused on driving my goals that I have forgotten what it is I thought I wanted when I was five: to get married and have babies.

But I'm not five anymore, and I have seen too much to forget my place in this world. I am privledged, and I'm going to take advantage of the rights I have to work and be educated and independent that I know so many women in this world still don't have. I think what is really bothering me, what is really pissing me off, is that I'm twenty-two, I'm motherfucking twenty-two, and I am forced to worried about this bullshit. If I don't want to get married and have kids until I'm thirty than that is completely my perogitive. So why do I find myself judging people for choosing the lifestyle so different from mine, which is completely their perogitive? Now I am cynical, judgemental, single and barren. At twenty-two.

So as I sit in my heated home with running water and food in the cupboards, knowing I have health coverage and the right to vote, the right to speak my mind, the right to an education, the right to choose what I want for myself, I can't help but cast a judgemental eye on the same women who have all this but merely get married and have babies. Am I a bad person? Am I an enlightened person? Am I simply shortsighted? For someone who has declared with authority her place in this world, I am suddenly feeling very lost.