Accepted Advice

While scrolling down my MSN list the other day reading all the away messages: the lyrics, the drunken ramblings, the inside jokes… one in particular caught my eye. It simply said, “Accepted advice?. I took a week or two and really thought about this, because I think that they’re two words that are worth thinking about, especially together. When you really break it down, advice is not so much about the actual advice people are giving to you; it is about the person who is giving you that advice. What makes us follow advice from one person and not from another? Is your choice to follow advice largely based on who is giving it to you rather than the advice itself? What does it say about you and your advice-giver about whether or not you choose to accept it?

When I think about all the advice I’ve received over the years I really try and think about the type of people I ended up listening to. Looking back, I think everyone’s first thought would be their parents. My parents always were and remain my biggest influences; whether I took their advice or not is questionable. I think what happened is this: my adolescent mind turned their good, sound advice into the barking command of a generation too old to understand what my life was like, allowing the advice to go right in one ear and out the other. Now that I am older, and dare I say more mature, I realize that my adolescent mind neglected to toy with the thought that they had already gone through what I was experiencing, and were actually trying to make life easier for me. Each day I silently apologize to them in my mind. I’ll say it out loud someday, but not while I’m in school. I can’t let them know they were right while I’m still financially dependent on them- it’s too much information to hold over my head.

Now when my parents give me advice, I really listen to it. As hard as it is for me to admit, they’re generally right. I give my parents a lot more credit nowadays, because I feel like they give me a lot more credit. We’re almost to that level playing field where we’re all adults; the conversations get more serious and they start asking all the hard questions. I like this time though, because now I’m ready to answer them. For the first time this year, I saw my parents as their own individual people, and not just “mom and dad?. I feel like now is a late time to realize that and it makes me feel sheltered, but better late than never. Their advice is no longer being thrown down upon me; it is now an exchange between adults who see eye to eye. Now that they consider me an adult and I find myself giving them advice, I find their suggestions have become easier to accept.

With my friends, it was always that level playing field, which was always a major contributor to the “blatantly ignore my parents? days. I always find that the advice I take without hesitation comes from my two best friends, Derek and Jessica. Even as a 20 year old, I find it difficult to pick out a shirt without the ok from Jess. It’s not because she is so fashionable herself, which she totally is, but she could be a terrible dresser and her opinion would still matter more then whoever was working at the store. Her advice matters because she is so sincere with me. It is because she knows me so well. She knows that as soon as I get it home I’m going to start loving it even though I hate it in the store. It is because she knows the first time I wear it out I’m going to spill something on it, or that no matter how much I tug at it I’m never going to be comfortable in it. I know that if I go shopping with her, I’m going to end up with something that I love… then I will drive her crazy by wearing it right away and then throwing it on my floor.
This summer was a constant battle with my parents, and from day one Derek was always there to put things into perspective for me. Even when he wasn’t intentionally giving me advice, just hearing what he had to say helped me come to rational conclusions about the decisions I was being pressured to make. Even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear, it was the truth. It was never demeaning, it was always honest. Sometimes rather than just some good old fashioned advice, we need a good swift kick in the ass to get ourselves going. By no means have I known Derek as long as most of my other close friends, but in spending so much time with him, he has learned everything about me: what a like and dislike, what sets me off and what makes me crazy. The best part is he doesn’t care about that crap. He’s not afraid to tell me when I’m being ridiculous or over reacting, and it’s so much better that way. I always take his advice because I know that by not caring about the stupid stuff, he cares about the big stuff. He doesn’t let me get away with being melodramatic, and the best advice always comes from the people who keep you grounded, and that’s exactly what he has always done for me.

Advice from Jess and Derek is always best because they just know. Not just about the little things, but about the big things. They have seen me through my worst times, and when I think back now the advice that they gave me was always the right thing. I took it because I trusted them, and I knew that they always had my best interest at heart. They always have that same unconditional love that my family has. Sometimes I wonder what I could have possibly done to deserve them, or how I ever lived without them.

When it comes to giving advice, my first thought is my sister. She is of course always there for me, but I find there is an odd role reversal between us as I am the younger sister, constantly stepping into the older sister position to offer advice to her on everything imaginable. Kate’s a funny one, because when we were younger she mostly did listen to our parents more than her friends, and I fear it socially retarded her a year or two. When she calls to ask about stuff, I always wonder if I’ve said the right thing. Offering your opinion to someone you care about is scary because you don’t want to screw them up, and more often than not, it’s the people you care about the most who want your advice. I don’t know how much of my advice she actually takes, but I think the point is that she knows I cared enough about her to really think about what she was telling me to form an opinion of my own. She calls me because she knows how much I love her.

Advice is a funny thing, considering how much you can learn from giving it or receiving it, or the choice you have to make about accepting it. I can’t come to any definite conclusions, but I think what I’m getting at here is that before I really thought about it, advice was fragile thing. It was always something that was sketchy, because I thought it was about an internal struggle between what you thought and what someone else was telling you to think. Now after some careful consideration, advice is what clearly defines all the important relationships in my life. When I sat down to think about advice, all the most important people in my life came to mind, all the people I trusted the most. Advice is about trust, and about how it is always best to accept it from the people who accept you, just as you are.