Change

I am terribly out of writing shape these days. With the last semester of University and graduation flying by I haven't had time to think let alone put fingers to keyboard and yet here I am. Twenty-two, back living at home, essentially without job, a moderate amount of prospects, changing my mind multiple times daily about what I want to do with the rest of my life. The rest of my life? Lord. It seems unfair to ask a twenty-two year old to make such a decision, it takes me ten minutes in the morning to pick out shoes.

What is it about our society that makes everything into such a big rush? It's such a big production these days. To get what you want you must be the best. Have the best degree, with the best transcript, the best list of extracurriculars, the best attitude, the best plan. I don't have any of those by the way. I have sort of, run-of-the-mill degree, marks, lists, attitude, plans. Maybe slightly better than that, I guess I have to give myself a little more credit. The point is, I thought it would be much easier to just start living my life after graduating. It isn't. It is competative, and it is draining. I am constantly feeling like I need to 'be' something, though I'm not sure what that is really. Better, I am expected to be better.

I guess I could look at this two ways. Pushing myself to be better, that's very positive. Includes aspects of constant growth and self-evaluation leading to a self-appreciation. Or, I could do what comes naturally, and live in disgust with the fact that being asked to be better than everyone else is a cruel joke played on me by humanity, which has bestowed upon me a flawed character that supplies me with enough head trash to keep me constantly struggling to catch up to everyone else. Yes, decisions will be made on this subject of being better, and I am inclined to think that choosing the former would be in everyone's best interest, not just my own. Cause honestly, I'm moody.

I've not been particularily proud of myself lately. Usually in school I could finish an assignment (then talk my way out of a late penalty), or accomplish something in a society I was a part of, and feel like I had done something constructive and worth my time. In the past months, I have become mentally exhausted: trying to sell myself to so many companies, formally begging for the opportunity to be added to payroll, explaining why I should be hired over someone who honestly, has the same level of education and training as I do. There are no victories, and the more frustrated I get, the more I begin to lack the motivation to keep on follow-ups and networking. I know that the only slight edge I will have over competition is a positive attitude, but sometimes, I would rather just tell them to piss off and then find Jess and go get some beer and quesidillas.

I find myself wondering what kind illusions I was under in University. I felt like a grown up, I did grown up things and had grown up conversations with my friends... I think. Now, I think, I really am I grown up. I have a credit card bill with no option of calling my parents and asking for money. I have to get up in the mornings because although my classes started at noon, apparently the working world starts being productive before that. I have to talk to people in my big girl voice with my big girl vocabulary and trade in my tapered sweats for tailered trousers. Life is no longer a party. I don't live two hours from my parents, I live across the hall. I can't hang up when they're asking annoying questions, cause they are two feet from me. They talk. A lot. I don't live with seven girls anymore. I live 20 minutes driving from anyone my age. Just writing this, my ass is beginning to twitch.

I can't feel too sorry for myself, I know how lucky I am to have an education and a place to live and the means to maintain the sort of lifestyle I am accustomed to. I am just trying to say, in a rather whiny manner, because that is how I sound these days, that I am not adapting well to change. I miss my school. I miss my friends. I miss keg parties. I miss laughing all the time. I miss the safety of being in university and knowing what was expected of me and what was coming next. And now I am just floating. Alone.

I want to go to the SPCA and get a reject dog to be my friend. It's forbidden though, cause I live with my parents. I would have named him Remington Steele.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqYruggWui4