Speechless

So my sister is mad at me right now because I don't say enough, and my best friend is mad at me because I say too much. So whether I'm not calling enough or talking about things when I shouldn't, it's my mouth that has been getting me in trouble lately, and of course by lately, I mean my entire life. I think pissing people off is just an art form for some people... like, how many ways are there to disappoint the people you care about the most in one lifetime? And that's always it; it's always the people you care about the most that you hurt the most, for me anyways. God forbid you should be insensitive to the pizza delivery guy or fuck up your plumber's life, no. You hurt the people you love the most. The people you confide in, the people you would do anything for. Yet somehow, for many like me, when the time comes to pick up the phone or just plain shut the hole in your face there's that missing connection in your brain that says, "Call your sister" or "inappropriate... shut the fuck up." For all the talking I do, I sure don't do a whole lot of thinking.

Why is it that when you're in a fight with someone they are the exact person who you want to call to ask what to do? You go to pick up the phone or type a message and realize that they're the ones you need to talk about? They're the ones you need help with to figure out how to make it right? It's fucking depressing. When they're mad at you there's this constant knot in your stomach and you know there is nothing you can do about it except try to go to sleep and pray that tomorrow they've cooled off. You lie in bed terrified of the next time you talk to them... or terrified that they're mad enough to not talk to you for God knows how long. Terrified of the consequences of your carelessness. And you don't know how to act, and you don't know what to say. After all the talking that got you in trouble, you're speechless.

It's funny what we become afraid of as we get older. My biggest fears are not heights or needles or performing in front of crowds. I eagerly jumped out of a plane last summer without hesitation. Last week I let someone shoot a metal pin through my nose without flinching and I have been in my prime as the centre of attention since I was 3 years old. What I’m actually most afraid of losing people. More than gravy. Even more so now that I've experienced it as an adult. I'm not talking about death, though that is a fear; I'm talking about losing friends. Something about death just seems more natural, like it is something that is intended for all of us... no matter how sad or unexpected, it is an actuality that no one escapes.

To me losing friends seems unnatural. Like there shouldn't be anything so great that it means you stop being close with someone, that you just give up on someone, or let someone go. But there is... there are things that happen that mean that we lose people forever. Those are the things that scare me. The uncertainty scares me. Where are the lines drawn that say what constitutes the loss of a friendship? How much do you have to hurt someone for them to lose their trust and confidence in you? Why do some of us seem to cross those lines more than others? What is it about us select few, that we cannot make the connection between right and wrong? Where is that little voice in our heads that whispers, “Danger… not good… hurting people in progress…”? I have no such voice. At the time it is always unintentional... but nothing you can do makes up for lost intentions. Nothing you can say can make up for having said too much, or too little, or for doing something hurtful, or for letting someone down.

The worst part isn't even how awful I feel right now. It's knowing that they feel awful, and it's my fault. It's knowing that the people I hate to see sad, or angry, or disappointed, are sitting at home feeling that way because of me. Whether it is hours later, or days later, or months later. And there you have it. Nothing left to say. All of a sudden everything on my mind is out. Another public confessional… bordering pathetic, crossing into pitiable territory, though I don’t deserve it. Yet again, feeling no better, and feeling every inch of justified guilt. The motor mouth, the tactless, the queen of foot-in-mouth, the girl who’s every report card politely asked her to shut up, the unimaginably verbose- speechless. How she should have been all along. The saddest part is that it no longer shocks people; I actually don’t think it ever did.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oV-vA50oJSM