Twenty-One

There is a sort of calmness that arrived with my 21st birthday that I did not expect. It is a milestone that for many young adults brings erratic excitement. Along with the responsibility of moving further into your twenties, the birthday brings also opportunity, privilege and freedom. I kind of thought I would be freaking out… feeling as if I was getting old and wishing I could stop time right where it is and be twenty and care free forever. I didn’t though. I was totally calm all day, despite recent events that previously would have caused me to react otherwise. It’s funny because a few weeks ago I had a conversation with someone about how I wished I could stay this age forever. It would be so easy, to be in school where it is safe and predictable… to not have to worry about where I’ll be in ten years.

It makes me think of where I was a year ago. I know exactly where I was. I was having brunch with my parents and my sister, on the verge of tears, because I felt lost and misunderstood and as if I failed at everything. I hated my birthday and I hated where I was in my life. It is amazing to me to think that in only a year I have come so far. So far that now someone I love is feeling this way, and the old me would have broken down with them. The old me would have lost composure, would have needed to be consoled and comforted. The old me would have been a victim, someone who was pitied.

That was the old me though. Now I am just me. Not the new me, there is no “new me”. Now I’m just the me that was always inside, who couldn’t step up and face reality, who never had the courage to shine through. I no longer have to be the one who depends on everyone else to get through. I can be the rock. I can be the consistency. I can be the strength for the people I love who have been there for me so many times. This person that I love has hit their rock bottom, just as I did. I will be all of those things for them until they can go through what I went through… the lows, the sleepless nights, the tears and frustration, the constant feeling of hopelessness, the complete and utter desperation. They will go through every rotten feeling before they realize that they have a choice.

They can choose to feel like shit. They can choose to feel sorry for themselves, to waste days and time wishing that things were different. They can choose to do those things, or they can actually do something constructive. They can choose optimism. They can choose independence. They can choose happiness. They can wake up and see the light. I felt like I was in darkness for so long… and every corner I turned I made a discovery or a friend or a mistake that made my path a little brighter, until finally one day I woke up and saw everything so clearly. A light turned on, and I realized that everything is not about me. Once I learned that, I could finally be me… really be me. A happy me. A happy me that made other people happy, because that’s what life is really about, bringing happiness to the people you love the most. When those people are happy, so am I.

I feel like today was my day. They day everything finally made sense. The day I finally made sense to myself. And that’s really all that matters… that you understand what you want and who you are and where you’re going. Nobody else has to know because nobody else can make your choices for you. Nobody can tell you to be happy; it has to come from the desire within yourself. To do that, you have to learn to love yourself. Good and bad, all or nothing… every habitual downfall and imperfection. Love yourself, and other people will have a much easier time loving you. Trust me, I have much experience with it.

There is somebody who means the entire world to me right now who is in the position I was in a year ago. When I think about how I got to where I am, I have to give myself credit, because it was a journey I carried myself through, and now I am so much stronger for it. It was also the people along my journey though, who stood by my side, who encouraged me to take one more step, who lightened my load, who never left my side. Those are the people I cherish the most. They made me strong, and now I can be strong for them, and that is the best feeling in the world.

Us ‘Rock-Bottomers’ are a special breed. We must try the most. We must push the hardest. We must yell the loudest. We must fall so hard that we feel like we could never pick ourselves up again. We must hurt the people we care about the most. We must break our own hearts until we feel so undeserving of love that we push everyone away. We must be so confused that we don’t know which way is up. We must deny until we cannot deny it anymore. We hit our rock bottom, and everybody sees.

But we Rock-Bottomers are the lucky ones. We are lucky because just as everybody sees us hit that bottom, everybody sees us get up again. Everybody sees that we overdid, and pushed, and yelled and fell. We denied, and were broken and were lost… and then we found the courage. The courage to own up to everything, and to come through it. We looked around and found our way up. We didn’t stay at the bottom, despite our doubts and fears and embarrassment. We are lucky because everybody sees that in the end, the bottom made us stronger, because our journey back up to the top was so much longer. We are lucky because on our long journey, we learn what truly matters.

Hitting my rock bottom was the best thing that ever happened to me, because it made me who I am today. And now I know that no matter where you are on your journey, in the pitch black or in a fog… there is light. There is a way up from the bottom, a way to escape from what you thought you never could. There is hope, even when you feel like there isn’t any. There is a light at the end of your journey if you choose to believe you will find one, and you will, because it comes from inside of yourself. And you cannot escape from yourself, you can only accept yourself. I did, and even on today, my 21st birthday, with the clouds in the sky and the raindrops falling; it was the sunniest day of my whole life.