Limits

One of my favourite quotes reads: “If you’re going to doubt anything, doubt your limits.? Life should be about testing yourself. It should be about breaking through your limits. I have been thinking a lot about limits lately and how my future may be limited due to my career path of choice. There is always this lingering notion of whether or not my writing will ever be good enough. Is it only enough to keep a few campus readers impressed and entertained? I don’t enjoy scholastic research, and I don’t want to write papers for academic journals or dive into the hectic world of fast paced reporting. While I respect the quality of writing which caters to readers of a certain intellectual level, it is not the audience I want to attract, or the kind of writing I want to do. I am looking to reach people on a more personal level. Maybe it seems selfish to only write what I have to say, without putting any effort into backing up my theories. They are completely my own opinions. The thing is, everybody is more alike than different. No matter where we are from or who we know we all end up having the same feelings, the same insecurities and the same troubles, in one way or another. My hope is that I could speak on behalf of others through my own experiences.

Regardless of whether or not I can achieve that, the real question is: will this writing of mine cut it in the real world? Will it cut it if the people who read it have no idea what kind of person I am? How much of my personality contributes to the success of my work? Writers work for years drudging through endless academia papers and paying their dues before anyone gives a crap about what they themselves have to say. Is it ambitious or just naive that I think I can skip the uninteresting parts? I can see it now, walking into a New York publisher fresh off the plane from back home in the cow pasture, with editors laughing at me and doors slammed in my face. What if in the end, my expectations for myself exceeded anything resembling reality?

I think there is this desire to cut through the red tape for all students, no matter what profession they’re studying to be. What it comes down to is whether or not we have it in ourselves to persevere through all the unpleasantness before we can really start to apply ourselves to what interests us most. For example, I should be writing a term paper right now, but I’m not. I’m writing this. In order to have a solid career doing this I have to get my degree first. In order to get my degree I have to graduate. In order to graduate I have to pass my classes, and in order to pass my classes I need to do my term papers. In theory, this is very simple and straightforward. In reality, I find it difficult to force myself into the necessary stuff, which is in fact the boring stuff. I will assume this is true for everyone, not just me.

I have decided there are two ways to look at this. One, is the ‘just scraping by’ theory, my present theory of choice. This mostly consists of complaining to friends and professors about how much work I have to do, getting extensions, wasting time and procrastinating, staying up all hours to throw papers together and generally not having an enjoyable academic experience. I can justify most of my procrastination in my mind though, because I am putting to good use the skills I will use in my future career. In reality, I can’t completely eradicate myself of these justifications because I feel like I have produced some substantial pieces while wasting my highly priced time in university.

This now leaves me with my second theory, which is the ‘just buck up and do it’, theory. Instead of looking at the mind-numbing essays as burdens, I could try and look at them as aiding in my ever evolving style and technique of writing. I will admit that when it gets right down to it and I put effort into an essay it becomes moderately or even very interesting, depending on the topic of course. In the end though, there is this sense of pride and accomplishment in knowing that I put effort into something and tried my best. This theory would allegedly leave me less stressed and aid in my terrible time management skills.

The tricky part for me is getting started. There’s a motivation behind what I chose to do that I seem to lack with things I am required to do. It’s the emergence of that little part of me that automatically rebels against anything I am told to do and anyone who tells me to do it. It is so strange to me that this university is the place I feel trapped in the most, with obligations and requirements, yet it is also the place that will ultimately give me my freedom, and make it easier for me survive in the real world. I know that that is possible if I can only channel my energy and follow the rules for the next year and a half, and then I can make whatever decisions I want, I can do anything I want. I think my greatest fear, perhaps the greatest fear of all soon-to-be alumni, is not knowing what you want to do next. Or worse, knowing what you want to do, but being unsure of how to achieve it.

In the end, whether we know or not isn’t the issue. Maybe in the end we won’t be doing what we initially planned. Maybe we will achieve something beyond our expectations; maybe we will never make it as far as we once dreamed we would. Last year my mom told me that she still doesn’t know what she wants to be when she grows up. She is 53. I think what she was trying to tell me, was that the important thing is, to know that it’s never too late. It’s never too late to have a dream and choose to follow it. Whether you’re 21 or 51, if you don’t limit yourself you can be or do whatever you decide. Because ultimately, it is your decision, and in the end, only you decide what your true limits are.