"Therapy", written June 7th, 2006

I was sitting in the waiting room at my therapist's office yesterday after looking at all the books she had on the shelf: "Grief Unseen", "The Out of Sync Child", "Pathways to Competence", "Down With Gloom", "Getting Out of Your Own Way".... then I had an anxiety attack.

I thought, "Holy Shit. I'm a total freak."

Then I really thought about it.

Then I thought, "I don't care. What's so wrong with being a freak?"

It's totally ok to be a freak. I laugh everytime I think about how worried I get about what other people think. I always used to say, "I don't care what other people think about me." Sometimes I think that's completely true, other days I break down if I think someone looked at me the wrong way. I think what I'm getting at, is that I may say something one day and feel completely different about it the next. I realize this makes it hard for anyone to ever take me seriously or to truly believe anything I say. It really depends on the situation for me to instill a certain mindset or value. I will say with complete confidence that anything I do say I mean whole-heartedly at the time, whether I contradict myself the next day or not is comeletly irrelevant to me. Many would say this makes me flaky, or irratic or impulsive. That's true then I guess.

So I have accepted a few things:

I AM flaky, irratic and impulsive.
I say stupid things without thinking about them first.
I over react, exaggerate everything and am melo-dramatic.
I interrupt people without noticing.
I say "oops" and "sorry" five times as many times as any normal human being would.
I overuse "lol" "omg" and "brb" in msn conversations.
I talk too much during movies and tv shows.
I abbreviate words that don't need to be abbreviated even though I know it irritates people.
I tell the same stories over and over again.
While writing this blog, I listened to the same song 3 times. The same song I had already listened to 10 times today. I do that.

And I'm ok with it. Because lots of other people do those things too.
Everyone is a freak, not just me.